Progress is Everchanging

It's been a minute since I have been able to sit down and write a blog (clearly, since my last one was nearly a year ago) but I feel like an update is needed. 

After my last post a year ago, I hit very close to my goal weight, a lower weight than pre-pregnancy. Summer hit after that and summer has always been my downfall. Top that off with some major events in the fall/winter of 2021 with my little family, I just didn't have it in me to maintain the plan I wanted. 

I did, however, complete a marathon before 40. One of my bucket list things. That happened right before the holidays. It was not my ideal situation; with my personal life getting in the way and needing to put my family first, the training just wasn't there. But I did it and I finished. I did something the majority of the world won't even come close to doing in their lifetime so there's that!

I had plans for 2022. Mostly to be consistent, which is a constant struggle of mine. But I started out and put my workouts first, ahead of eating. I tried to incorporate both. What I quickly realized is that my life has other things I need to prioritize than meal prepping. So I put the focus where I could. My workouts. 

Since January 1 I have moved 30 minutes a day in activitity, planned activities for more than the majority of my days. Most days, Monday - Friday, it's a minimum of 30 minutes of cardio (I upped it to 45+ in February) and following a loose program of workouts with the Peloton app. I began running more and spinning less. 

I gave myself leeway on eating after 1 month when I wasn't seeing a loss. My husband noted maybe I was consuming too many calories, after all, I was not working out as hard as I had been in past years. And so, I started buying more convenience food, still working on mostly healthy, balanced meals, but less prepping, which I no longer have time for. 

But what I do have time for, is the workouts. And so that is where I am focusing. After 1 1/2 months and a conversation with a friend about how the activity didn't seem to be getting me anywhere, I looked in the mirror and saw a difference. I wish I took a before photo but I didn't. I just knew there was a slight change. I put on a pair of pants I had not been able to button before. They fit comfortably and I wore them all day. 

It was what I needed to know what I was doing was in fact working. Is it the way I prefer my process to go? Hell no. I want to be on my macros, lifting heavy. But these are not where I am at in my life. So I take the therapy I can get and know I need, my workouts every morning. 

I am up at 5:30am and on the bike/treadmill before 5:45am. I feel energized after. I feel better about life and able to tackle the day. But there is still a nagging part of me that I found since turning 40 I need to deal with. 

Everyone has been through things in their life, some better or worse than others. Some of my stuff is pretty bad. I made significant bad choices for MANY years. Most of you reading this don't know what I am talking about and that's okay, it's not relevant. What is relevant is what I found when reflecting on my life up to this point. 

I have not forgiven myself. Stay with me here. When you do bad things, the people you hurt/affect may forgive you. But do you ever stop and look inward to see if you have forgiven yourself? I have not. I only recently figured this out. While I continue to push to my future and do my best in the present, I don't care for the looking back of stuff. Why? It's painful. I hurt a lot of people for a lot of years. I honestly don't know if they have all forgiven me but that's irrelevant at this point. 

So while I have a lot of things in order, I still have a lot of work to do. Since I have a great plan and am established in my goals for 2022 fitness-wise, I now want to work on not hating myself as much. I didn't know I was doing it, mostly I am so driven to better myself physically, I wasn't seeing the mental and emotional aspects that needed work. 

I guess it just comes with age. I have done some reflection in my life, I generally know why I did the things I did, which is a start. But if I don't work on forgiving myself that I'll never stop hating other aspects of myself, like the way I look. 

So I am changing a few things. I bought a few books. I have plans to do more reflection to get to a better point. This quote is what was the light bulb for me. I do believe in my current self. I am absolutely creating my future self. But now, I have to forgive my younger self.