5 Weeks Out

I keep a running log of intended blog posts. I would love to have time to write one every other day. I have enough ideas. But not enough time. One could say I could make time. However, if you know me at all, you know every minute of every day is jampacked with things to do. 

So here we are. 3 1/2 months since my last post. And I can say, most days this is going great! It's hard to explain the joy that I feel working towards a goal like this. I am not lucky. I work HARD for this. Do I seriously enjoy waking up at 5am most days of the week? Of course not. But I DO seriously enjoy the feeling I get while I am working out and after. 

The progress that I have personally been able to make is astonishing to me. How did I go 41 years of my life and not fully understand what I really needed to do? I certainly won't say I didn't have great times doing other things. I love CrossFit and miss it. But this, this is a standalone, independent process that absolutely no one can do for you. 

I am also more than just this b
ody I have built. I am disciplined and hard-working. You cannot buy what I am trying to do. It takes years of hard work. And I am only 9 months into it. In order to get better, I have to keep pushing to that next level. 

I felt that this week. Monday started off hard. I cried during my workout. I am scared about what I am going to look like on stage, that I won't be conditioned enough. But I pushed through. And each day got better and better. 

On Monday, I had 5 PRs, Tuesday I had 2 PRs, Thursday I had 4 PRs, and today another 5 PRs. How am I doing this with lower macros and more cardio than ever? I look at the weights I have done before and I say, just 5lbs more. And I do it. And I keep doing it. And it feels SO DAMN GOOD. 

Yesterday, I went to the gym later than normal but still morning. There is a guy there. He once asked me months ago to spot him. So now he says hi every day he sees me. Nothing creepy or weird, just a guy, recognizing me at the gym. So yesterday he chats when he sees me. Tells me I have lost weight. Yea, about 35lbs I tell him. He congratulates me and I go on to tell him what I am training for. He complimented my figure and my progress. It was nice to hear. 

The same day I stopped by my office wearing my workout clothes. I briefly chatted with the staff there and they also mentioned how good I looked. I talked about having lost the 35lbs. One girl said I didn't know you had 35lbs to lose. 

And to be honest, I didn't either. I didn't go into this with a weight goal. I want to put my best self on stage knowing I did the best I could. Have there been bumps in the road? Of course. Would I do it this same way again? Nope. 

I have been in a deficit for 9 months. A few cheat meals here and there but overall, 90% on track that entire time. I have not had a drink in 201 days. But it's wearing on me. Even though I am still PRing my workouts and such, I am tired. I already know next time my prep will be less. 9 months isn't a prep. I needed to lose so much before I started prep so that's why this has been SO long. 

Next time I will be on point and building in the off-season. But before we even get to next time, I am trying to be present with THIS time. I have exactly 5 weeks from tomorrow to get on that stage. 

My bikini is ordered. I have the shoes. I am practicing my posing. I am doing more cardio (up to 60 minutes now) and eating less (down to 30g of fats 3 days a week). I don't know what the next 5 weeks is going to bring for me. But I know that even though I am tired, I have goals to achieve. 

Thank you to everyone who has inspired me, been inspired by me, or simply supported me during this journey. The end is near, but we aren't stopping yet.