Just When You Think You Have All

As I write this, I am listening to the lyrics of "Didn't We Almost Have it All" by Whitney Houston because it feels applicable right now, in this time, at this moment.

The past two months have been amazing for me. I was totally on point with my workouts, my eating, getting in my protein, shakes, planning downtime, things were going well. The problem with things going well is I always forget that they cannot continue like that for long.

I am great at being positive most of the time. The struggle comes when one thing is out of whack. I guess I could say it happened three weeks ago because that started it. My lower back began bothering me. I tried stretching and rolling, which would loosen it for a while but it was never gone. It was worse in the morning; some mornings I couldn't put my shoes on, others I was okay to get out the door until I could put the seat warmer on high in my car. By doing this, I loosened enough to get through the day.

I still worked out but was cautious on going heavy. Last weekend I couldn't stretch it out and by the time I worked out, I couldn't snatch more than 65lbs. I was in trouble. I took two days off, hoping I could get it to go away and scheduled an appointment with a chiropractor. Yesterday was the worst. My husband had to help me put my shoes on. I rolled out, and it only loosened it for 5 minutes. I couldn't continue. Today, I see a chiropractor. I am supposed to be in a competition in 2 weeks. FML.

I easily get off routine when ONE thing is off. It's something I find extremely frustrating about myself. I love being an all or nothing person when I am the ALL side. When I am the nothing side, I have a hard time liking myself. So the back pain is happening. And within the past two weeks, I went to a Giants Game and two Warriors playoff games. Thrilling and so much fun. But that meant I was eating bad and drinking during the week, something I don't normally do. This throws me off. SO. MUCH. I sleep late, I go to work late, I don't get my shakes, my back hurts....yes, I am complaining. For me, it was the start of the roll down the hill (it's not a spiral. I have been there before).

The weekend was the icing on the cake, the beginning of the week, the cherry. The weekend filled with fun Saturday but Sunday brought some unexpected problems and concerns personally I didn't expect to have to take on. My friends are supportive, and that means a lot. But that day was one of the hardest I have had in a while. Without going into detail, I had to make some changes to save my sanity and make sure others didn't die in the process. Vague I know but needless to say it was a sad and difficult day.

Monday I had spent two days eating crap and drinking alcohol. I might have had a shake. I also had pizza for dinner. I didn't workout. Tuesday I didn't workout. It's Wednesday and I am not working out because I am going to see a chiropractor. Damn it life. Get your shit together.

Choices. It's all about the choices you make during difficult times and circumstances. The choices that I had to make affected so many other aspects of my life that I will be dealing with for a long time. I am having a hard time getting back on track after that because I can't workout which means I don't want to eat well, and there goes the cycle all over again.

So here I am, wondering do I ride the wave out? Am I predestined to have this "fall off the wagon" time every few months? I hate it. I see the repetitive cycle that has been going on for years and I struggle to find a breakthrough when it happens.

The timing of this all is very unfortunate. I am worried about letting my teammates down in the competition since I cannot train like I want to. I am concerned about the effects of this weekend's decisions on my trip to Spain. And to top all that off, we're probably going to list our house soon and have some work to do on it to get it ready, all while hoping someone else doesn't buy the house we want.

And I am just over here like, I want to workout, have my eating in place, manage my shakes, do a cleanse day and train like my life depend on it. I'll get there again. I have to remember that.

The struggle is real.